北京文化妞儿

Xams, New Year, Watching Firework, Watching Firework in New Year, Bunny, Traveling, Ice Rink, Carnival in Hyde Park, Lights on the tree when it's Xmas time, Eating ice cream in a cold winter, Rose..

But I love them. Only they are too good to be true. Anytime I see those things, my heart crumbles.

There's too much to say, but don't feel like saying any.

The holiday just started - met up with a friend who visiting London from Spain. A bunch of us just went to Hyde Park and the Carnival there, didn't really get on any of those games. Walking around under the lights and among happy people was fun enough.

Freezing freaking cold.

Chatted with a close friend this weekend, she said, "I want to hear you say this, that he has fuckde up my love life through out my exciting relationship. He's now starting to ruin my motivation towards whatever I want to do. And FUCK HIM and his IDEAS OF THE MIGHTY GREAT RELATIONSHIP".

I laughed while reading it.

No no my dear it's not the case. Everyone in our life has a reason to once be there. And I believe they always lead us to better selves. Realized that it is another turning point of my life and I'm off to a new country. Don't know where yet and how, but I will get myself there.

I will hide my feeling and my love, only just keep walking. Thought I finally met a person who I'd stay for.

Always leaving, never staying.

It reinforces my belief that man should be an island. It's OK to have lots of little female and male islands around you, but you should solely be an island. The world i believe would be a much better place if people could be happy alone first before seeking happiness in others.

Set free.

“我有时候觉得经历了那么多 先是开心的 有希望的 然后失望,痛苦 然后慢慢恢复 经历了这么些,我渐渐不再那么有激情 我是说遇到事情的时候,我只是常识让自己平静的接受 这样有点像阿Q那种 自欺欺人的感觉”

“我理解你得意思。身边男人不少 到后来就是平静的看他们来看他们走 不带希望 什么都不想 来去就是轻轻的触动了皮毛 毫无大碍”

“恩,也只能让自己什么都不想.因为一但动情,咱们这种人很难轻易防开,会特别难受”

“我着次就是 完全把心打开了 完全裸露在外面 我就决得值得 我就陷进去了 然后被恨恨的插了把刀 然后又缩回去 躲起来 然后刀还留在上面”

“现在也觉得值得?”

“恩”

“那就行了”

Time's passing by, the pain's still there eating my heart.

I'm a good girl, there are lots of other things I can't just ignore and stay in bed being sad. So I decided to carry on but still have him deep inside my heart.

But it is so difficult.

Every morning I'd wake up and think, how'd this be possible? Someone who you once so so close with, so so trust, just vanished. you know, vanished. Not there anymore. He can just block you, ignore you and let go.

Mum said, just pretend that he's married, or gone back to his country. And I said, ok, I will just tell myself that he's married, I will just pretend that he's married so he doesn't want to be with me anymore, doesn't want to hear from me anymore.

When life's so short, is giving up the best way to go?

毕了业回北京吧。

生命里有太多的未知数，你总觉得身边的人不会突然就没了，会一如既往的出现。但事实却并非如此。

这辈子真正走进我心里的人只有两个。现在仅剩的一个，回到她身边去。

Just opened the curtain and weather's amazing.

During the past year and half, wherever I go, when I saw pretty things, scenes, I always thought of him, wish he'd be there sharing it with me. Now by myself, I ought to still appreciate the lovely things coming in front of my eyes.

Wish he'd see it too, maybe not with me, but somewhere there.

If I'm not empty, then I won't feel lonely.

Some love affair goes in vein. Some cut through your heart. At the end of the day we are looking for the peace inside ourselves. We'd then just live as happily as one could with, or without someone, or by carrying them in memories.

It's the most difficult time of the day, when you wake up and ask yourself, "is that real?".

5am this morning I had this fear and sadness when I opened my eyes，How easily people can lose connection in life. Someone you think they are so important can still vanish all of a sudden and only left memories as trace of evidence for their past existence.

Say bye to a teacher, friend, lover. I think it is the friend part which makes it so sad and difficult.

I'm fucking hurt.

It's been raining the whole day today.

The only person I was ready to say love went away, now I'm going back to hide in my shell again.

Mum said, the boy you once knew and loved, is dead.

My heart has turned from a whole piece, which i have been willing to give out for 22 years, to now a damaged one.

I give up.

I just realized that the blackbox which sealed from inside has cracks before I had it. So no matter how much I'm willing to heal it, I won't be able to.

It doesn't want to be fixed anyway and even it does, it is not my responsibility to fix some other people's fault.

It is selfish and irresponsible.

And I hate humiliation. And I hate being repeatedly hurt and cut, and humiliated.

Heal your own wound before coming near me next time.